Online Dating Profile Fail

online dating profile failWhat’s the most likely way to mess up your online dating profile?

Fail to proofread.

Being a writer often makes looking through online dating profiles painful. There’s a lot of inventive spelling and grammar out there, but this one made me laugh out loud. I came across it while I was perusing the men in the Meet Me section of my profile on Plentyoffish.

He looks hot, though a little skinny for my taste. I would think he gets a  lot of compliments… …apparently not enough.

Maybe he just needs a dedicated partner who will do it every day.


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Man #56, With Eyes Wide Open

a date night with dilated eyesDating for me these days is so different from the first few dates I had after my husband left.  There’s a lot less anxiety. I don’t worry much about what I’m going to wear. I mean, what does it really matter when most men show up to a date in jeans and a wrinkled shirt? I still try to look nice, but I sort of have my “date outfits” at this point. Instead of agonizing over what to wear, I often change clothes fifteen minutes before a date, check my face in the mirror, and head out the door. Simple.

So it was with this same nonchalance that I booked an appointment to have my eyes examined on the same afternoon as my date with Man #56. It had been a while since I’d had my vision checked, so I forgot that in order to look inside your eyes the optometrist has to dilate your pupils. My appointment was at 3 p.m., which I thought would give me plenty of time get to my date at six. But I hadn’t counted on the dilating eye drops. Oops.

“How long will the dilation last,” I asked.

“About four to five hours,” the eye doctor said. I did a quick calculation. It was already almost 4 p.m., so yup, I would show up for my date looking stoned. Great. Way to make a great first impression.

I finished my appointment. There were no changes to my distance lenses, but I need to double the strength on my readers. Yey! I hate getting older. On my way out the door, the optometrist handed me an envelope containing temporary sunglasses. My eyes were watering like crazy, and I could barely keep them open. Even with overcast Seattle skies, the sun was burning my eyes, making it impossible to see. I put the sunglasses on…very fashionable…let my eyes adjust to the shading, and drove home with tears running down my cheeks.

Driving was nothing compared to trying to freshen up my makeup. Thank goodness I basically have my makeup routine down too. It was like a blind person putting on makeup. I could barely keep my eyes open, and, of course, mascara proved to be exceptionally challenging given my watery eyes. Nothing like showing up for a date looking like Alice Cooper.

At least the date was casual. I met Man #56 at Teavana at the University Village. I know…kind of a weird venue choice for a date, but this is how we ended up at Teavana…

Man #56 emailed me, said he liked my profile and asked if we could grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine. I responded by saying that I was trying to limit my alcohol consumption, but I would take him up on the cup of tea. In the same email, I asked if he had ever checked out all of the teas at Teavana. I guess that’s how it happened. The next thing I knew, we were meeting at Teavana. Although Teavana is owned by Starbuck’s, site of many a coffee date, Teavana only has a few tables around the perimeter of the store and is not really a great place for having a first date.

Man #56 and I purchased teas and quickly left the store to walk around and talk. Our date was a little awkward, because he was too nice. I know. Guys don’t hate me. I don’t know if you’ve ever been on a date where the other person was so overly complimentary that it made them seem inferior or needy or maybe even fake. That was Man #56. I would tell him something about myself, and he would say something like, “Oh lady, you’re so amazing,” or “is there anything you don’t know?” Things like that. One or two of these compliments would have been great, but after a while they became uncomfortable and kind of awkward.

However, it was apparent to me that Man #56 might just be nervous. Based on his occupation alone, I knew he had to be a smart man. Plus, he had a bit of a worldly sense about him. He’d lived in France for a while and spoke French fluently. He also did seem genuinely nice, even if overly complimentary.

After doing a lap around University Village, Man #56 finally stopped and asked if I would like to go to dinner with him.

“Sure,” I said, “where do you want to go?” He didn’t know what was in the mall, so he asked me to suggest someplace.

“Well, there’s sushi, Italian, dim sum, noodles, pizza…”

“You pick.”

“Ok,” I said, “let’s try Din Tai Fung.” I haven’t been there yet, but I heard it’s good. Unfortunately, when we arrived there was a huge line, so we decided to go have Italian at Piatti instead.

Before we even ordered, Man #56 turned to me still holding his unopened menu and said, “I am having a really good time. You’re an amazing woman. I was wondering if you would go out with me again.”

I was somewhat taken aback. We hadn’t even made it through our first date yet, but I was so flattered I said yes.

“Great,” he said, “now we can order.” Apparently, Man #56 needed to seal the deal on the second date before he could relax on the first. The whole thing made me smile.

We ordered a paté appetizer, and when it came, I said, “Oh, look. There are little cornichon.”

“I thought you don’t speak French,” he said, “Cornichon is not something people who don’t speak French just say.”

“I only speak French food,” I said, “you know paté, cornichon, coq au vin, boeuf bourguignon…”

“Ah ha, you do speak French.”

“No,” I insisted, “I only speak food.”

We talked until our food came, and then there was silence. Silence, that is except for the little moaning foodgasm sounds Man #56 took with each bite of his food. It was kind of cute in a weird way. Overall, Man #56 was not a talker. Besides complimenting me and talking about food, it was difficult to get him to open up. I sensed I was on a date with another introvert. Maybe this was a guy I could just sit quietly with…except for the moaning.

Maybe it was that he seemed like a really nice guy. Maybe it was that he seemed to adore me. Maybe it was that I could imagine putting a plate of food in front of him and having it be fully appreciated. Maybe it was that my vision was still a little blurry. Or, maybe it was that my eyes were literally wide open, but I said yes to a second date with him.