I'm sitting cross-legged on my therapist's couch 4 months after my husband's announcement that he wants a divorce when my therapist informs me that he thinks I should start dating again.
I had told myself and others that I was going to take time off to concentrate on myself for once. Between a husband and three boys, I didn't know who I was anymore. I just wanted to hang out with my girlfriends, drink martinis like a fish, and let the hair grow long on my legs if I wanted. I had even gone so far as to announce to my friends that I was going to take a full year off from any kind of relationship.
Read more here.
Man #26, The “Masseur”
Once I had my profile started on OkCupid, it was time to cruise around and see what the site had to offer. It wasn’t long before someone messaged me, so I diverted from my searching and had to go check him out.
He was an Asian man, and before I could even finish reading his profile, he was sending me another message. It read:
“I like your profile. Are you available to meet for coffee this afternoon?”
Well, now, that’s direct. None of this passive-aggressive, send a million emails back and forth without ever asking for a date kind of bullshit for this guy. What did I have to lose? The worst thing that would happen was that I would have my first OkCupid date and I’d get another date checked off my list of 100.
Now, before you question my methods and my sanity, I’d like to state for the record that I’m no dummy. I recognize the fact that:
- A man who asks to meet without finding anything out about me is probably not really interested in ME.
- A man who asks for a coffee date is not particularly worried about impressing me.
I could momentarily give him the benefit of the doubt and consider that my online profile was so amazing he just had to meet me without asking any more questions, but you’ll have to excuse my skepticism, especially since only about a third of my profile was actually completed at that point. Also, given the number of women who have told me they were propositioned after a coffee date, I figured I knew what this guy was actually interested in.
Code words: “Let’s meet for coffee.”
Translation: “Let me see if I can hit it and quit it.”
Good luck Man #26. I wasn’t born yesterday.
Anyway, after several coffee dates, I am now a bona-fide, card-carrying Starbuck’s gold card member, so I asked him to meet me at a Starbucks in my neighborhood. I might as well be earning points and free drinks while I’m going on all of these dates.
I arrived, and he looked nice enough, and, by that, I mean he was a nice enough looking man in the face. However, people always talk about mom jeans, but you never hear anyone say anything about dad jeans. This guy was wearing dad jeans. If that term doesn’t exist, I’m making it up. The jeans were a heavy, light-colored denim, a little too high-waisted, and did not fit him well. I’ve been noticing men over 45 seem to be sporting these, and if I may turn this dating blog into a fashion blog for just a second, I just have to say; lose the fucking old man jeans! They are not doing you any favors. They make you look like you have a load in your pants. Please, please, please, do yourself a favor, guys, and invest in a straight-leg, dark-wash pair of jeans. If they have a slight fade on the thighs, that’s good, but don’t make it too drastic or light in color. I just saw a man walking down the street in some dark-wash jeans like I’ve described last night, and he looked hot. You want to look hot. You don’t want to look like you can pack a pair of Depends in your pants.
But I digress. Thank you for allowing me that mini rant.
Ok, back to dating blog.
Anyway, Man #26 was standing there in his dad jeans, waiting for his drink when I arrived, so I walked up, introduced myself, and then went to order a coffee with my gold card. One date closer to 100 and one drink closer to a free grande skinny mocha.
We got our drinks, sat down at a table outside, and started talking. Within a few minutes he told me about his occupation and then quickly added that he also did massage. I asked him if massage was something he had studied and become licensed in or if it was just an interest of his. No, he just gave really good massages.
We talked a little more, and, pretty soon, he mentioned again that he gave really good massages.
This was obviously important to him, so I decided to take the bait.
“Oh really. What kind of massage do you do?” I asked.
“I give really deep massage. I’ve been doing it for a really long time. Do you like massage?”
“Sure. Who doesn’t like a massage?”
He started talking about how he couldn’t have dates at his house because he had kids at home, and asked if I have kids at home.
“Yes, I do,” I answered, “I also have a pit bull who’s really happy to meet new people.”
“You have a pit bull?”
As you know, if you’re a regular reader, when I bring up my dog, I’m normally talking about how sweet and loyal he is, but don’t think I won’t use a pit bull to my advantage if I have to. As far as I could tell, this guy, for whatever reason, maybe he was married, maybe his kids really were at the house, he did not want me to go to his place. He did, however, want to come to mine. Plus, let’s not forget; he wanted to give me a massage.
It sounded like a lead in to a cheesy porno.
I asked him if he had been on OkCupid long and mentioned that I hadn’t even finished filling out my profile yet.
“I’m surprised you could get enough information about me to know you wanted to go on a date,” I said.
“Well, I liked what I saw,” he replied.
I had, in fact, posted my photo. That part was finished, but, other than that, I had only typed some nerdy crap about being an INTJ and then stated under the other sections that my profile was a work in progress.
A few minutes later, I was again being told what a great massage Man #26 could give me. It was time to stab him in the eyeball with my drinking straw.
It was sort of like Dustin Hoffman in “Rainman” when he keeps insisting that he can drive, “I”m an excellent driver.”
“I’m an excellent masseur.”
See. Same thing.
After about 45 minutes of this massage nonsense, I had basically had enough and told The Masseur that I had a lot of work to do. I needed to get back to it without a massage.
Have a nice day.
Just another date closer to 100.